Monday, 31 December 2012


End of another year and time for reflection. Every time my quack prescribes yet another drug to keep me shuffling along it reminds me of just how frail is the human body. So it is no surprise that my annual blood test for sugar is to be repeated - I'm not worried though as it's nice to know that if the second test proves positive it will confirm that I am a sweet old man! My lovely wife consoles me by predicting that I am suffering from "old mans diabetes". I love her dearly.

 As the New Year is rung in this eve I have a cunning plan to avoid my early "snuff".  When we buy our pre-packed meat from the supermarket you will have noticed that inside the pack is a small piece of padding. This is an anti bacterial pad to stop the meat from "going home" to soon. I have found a supplier and intend ordering a job lot. I reckon if I strap a couple to my carcass every morning they should give me another ten or twenty years. Also - and taking a leaf out of the undertakers manual (from the chapter titled "Embalming Fluid") I intend increasing my whisky consumption in order to enhance the overall ethos of preservation.

In the event that my cunning plan goes belly up I will not despair - I have just read in Wikipedia that a well tried method of preserving meat is by burying it in a hole in the ground. No worries then!

Happy New Year

Friday, 21 December 2012


The end of the world is due in just over two hours this morning -  so they say. Most  folk round here have taken sensible precautions by either going to work, going to the pub or like us, going to Morrisons for our Christmas shopping. In the event that a bloody great meteorite lands on my head at 11.11 am, thank you for being a reader and I hope we meet in the next world. Merry Christmas!

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Post antediluvian

We are both grateful that we have the house back to normal since the flood in July. Since then we have been at serious risk of being flooded again on three separate occasions - today included. I have one of these long telescopic rods normally used for cleaning windows and the like. It came in very handy this morning following continuous rain over several days when I used it to hook free the rubbish that was obstructing the flow of the brook outside the house. The water level dropped immediately.

As I write this it is dark and early evening, the rain is still falling relentlessly and the big worry is that the house may flood again during the night. We'll just have to cross our fingers and hope it doesn't. I hate water, I have even taken to omitting the filthy stuff from my glass of scotch in the evening. Filthy? Think ducks and fish!

We always look forward to Christmas and this year is no exception - if you are reading this (of course they are reading it dope!) a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.